MY TESTIMONY PT 2: I Know My Name Is Theresa

By the time I was 28 years old, I’d reached my breaking point – even the video games couldn’t pacify the chaos in my mind. My husband didn't know what to do with me -- but he stuck with it. Suddenly, I began getting an urge to find a church. Looking back, I realized that my family and I were being pulled by the Holy Spirit. Somewhere inside me, I knew that if there was a god – it was time for him to show up in my life.

Then one day while attending a banquet for a nonprofit board of directors that I sat on, I was asked to speak briefly on behalf of the organization after one of the special guests failed to show up. Afterwards, I was instructed to sit at the head table with the other directors. I refused. The president of the organization insisted, so despite my open complaint I was ushered to the top of the platform. I was seated next to a gentleman who happened to be a pastor. Guess what? I looked around for another seat, but that was the only one available.

We had worked on this board together for two years, but I never once made any effort to get to know him or any of the other board members outside of business. I learned throughout my career to keep business relationships -- business. I'd never had more than one friend on any given job, if that. Reluctantly, I took my seat. I said to myself, “Please don’t let this man invite me to his church, ask me for a donation or tell me I’m going to hell.”

Though my family and I had been looking for a church, I didn’t have much respect for pastors or church leaders. I considered all of them con artists and liars, and gave very little weight to their “call to ministry.” All I could think about when  I saw them were the abuses that my mother suffered in the church that she'd devoted her life to. I was convinced that men of the cloth were more akin to used car salesmen and pimps on the street. I had to say this, because it was truly my perspective on the church. In addition, I had this image burned in my mind of people holding up "repent-signs" and "the-end-of-the-world-is-near-signs" on the street corner, and in subway stations. This entire idea of "scare them to salvation" was just plain stupid to me. They may as well have held up cans of mace and began spraying them on people. In fact, I didn’t even want to speak or look at this pastor; but out of courtesy I did just that as I sat down. After all, I didn't want to be a thorn in the banquet.

A few minutes passed by, and I noticed that this pastor was glancing over at me. It was like he wanted to say something. Then he would suddenly run his hand over head as if he had a difficult decision to make. (I later learned that he didn't want to talk to me either, and that he thought I was haughty and arrogant.) Eventually, he said: “Hello, it’s a shame that we’ve been on this board of directors for nearly two years and we haven’t gotten to know one another any better than this.”

He extended his hand, and I accepted. Quickly, he introduced me to his wife Gwen who was sitting next to him. In my mind I was thinking, “Oh boy, here we go. Another pastor's sales pitch is coming my way.” I looked up and he had the banquet program book opened with my photo and bio inside. So we began talking about that when suddenly he said, “Can I say something to you?”

I was thinking, “He is saying something to me...”

I said, “Yes, sure.”

Then he said, “I’m not trying to invite you to my church. I’m not asking you for any money. I just want you to know that Jesus loves you.”

I was shocked! I'm not sure if my mouth was hanging open, but for once I was actually at a loss for words. He then said, “I have to tell you something tonight, despite what you may be thinking… but the Lord wants you to know that He loves you. He wants you to know that you are loved. Do you know this?”

My eyes probably looked like two flying saucers. You see, a few hours before I arrived at the banquet I was at one of the lowest points in my life. For days coming up to this point I had been losing my appetite, my will to work and I was barely getting myself out of bed in the morning. The voices in my head were getting stronger, and I was getting instructions from them to do negative things. I would get off from work in the evenings, catch the train to the College Park Station and literally forget who I was or where I was going. I’d have to take a seat on a nearby bench to collect my thoughts and come back to myself. One day, I sat there almost five minutes -- terrified because I had lost my memory. It was that bad. My last thought before coming to the banquet was this: “They would all be better off without me.” I had made up in my mind that after the banquet that night I was going to take my life. You see, this time it wasn’t a threat. I was actually going to go through with it. Everything had been planned.

This “Pastor” took me by surprise. No Christian had ever approached me in this way. Most of them would just hand me a card, a track or invite me to buy a raffle ticket for some program they were having for their pastor. No one had ever talked to me about the love of Jesus or told me that I could be healed from what was troubling my soul. So, when he began talking about the love of God he had my full attention.

“Theresa, God loves you,” he said. “Now, I’m going to ask you something by the Holy Spirit and I need you to answer me. This is very serious. Will you answer me?”

I nodded yes. Then he asked, “If you died tonight would you go to heaven or hell?"

Now, this was another, "WOW," moment for me. Especially since I knew in my heart what I was planning to do.

I actually said, "I believe I would go to hell." The disturbing part about this was that up until that point, I really didn't care where I was going, or I thought I didn't.

Well, I knew what hell was all about. My childhood pastor and my mother talked about hell and the devil all the time. In fact, I was told that I would "bust hell wide open" one day. To tell you the truth, I actually believed it.

This pastor began to tell me about Jesus and his sacrifice. He talked about how every sin was taken to the cross and that the only thing I had to do at this moment was confess that I was a sinner, ask for forgiveness, and believe that Jesus Christ died for me. He said that the Lord would forgive me, and I would have a brand new start.

I can't explain it, but I believed him. I believed every single word.

Then he said, "What happened to you at the age of 5?”

I was shocked -- again. Immediately, the tears began to pour from my eyes and a shiver went all the way through my body. I saw myself as this little girl running home from school carrying my Bugs Bunny Satchel. I was about six years old. I came around the corner near my duplex in the projects and saw our unit surrounded by fire trucks, police cars and ambulances. I didn’t know what was going on, so I continued to run home. A neighbor grabbed me before I could get in the yard and squeezed my hand. I remember watching my satchel fall to the ground as my eyes laid hold of my half naked mother rolling in the grass and dirt in the front yard.

“She’s having a breakdown baby,” the older woman said, pulling me to her. "Just stay with me. Her nerves is gone bad again." I didn’t know what that was. But I did remember other times when I'd see my mama squatting in a corner on the floor rocking and crying, and daddy had to take her to the doctor. All I knew was that my mama was rolling in the grass and dirt half naked, and her hair was sticking up all over her head. I tore away from the woman and ran to pull my mama’s slip down.

As I relayed this story to <br>, I said: “My mama screamed when she saw me. It’s like the sight of me hurt her. She turned her head away from me in the confusion and told the paramedics to take her away because she didn’t want her baby to see her like this. I have no memory of what happened after that. I really don't remember much of anything about that period in my life.”

<br> proceeded to minister to me. He told me that it was at this point in my life that my mind began to change, and satan entered in with great force. I didn’t know it then, but the Lord was prophesying over me at that moment. The prophets at the church I grew up in, didn't prophesy this way. I knew then that there was a God, and that he was exposing some things in my past that I had never uttered to anyone -- not even within the pages of my notebook.

At that very moment, I knew that I was given a special visitation by God and this was my very last opportunity to change.

Then the pastor said to me, “Theresa, there is a spirit of destruction all over you. I cannot let you leave here tonight without offering you Jesus. The Lord has revealed to me what you are about to do, but I’m here to tell you today that Jesus Christ can heal you. Will you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

Without hesitation I said yes, and he walked me through the prayer of life. (My husband was standing nearby throughout all of this.) When it was over, he led my husband to Christ. It was as if the weight of the world was lifted from me. In my whole life, I'd never experienced the presence of God until that moment.

I knew I had been changed from the inside out. No doctor, medication or counseling session had ever had this type of effect on me. It was as if I had been injected with some kind of super drug that aligned my mind and gave me more focus than I'd had in months. Don't get me wrong, I still had a long way to go ... but in the midst of this, I had hope. That was something I'd never had before.

Then he said, after grabbing my hand and my husband's hand, “Y’all saved now. I’m not going to invite you to my church, but I am telling you that you need to find a church home. Until you do, I want you to go through the New Testament and read everything you can find in red in the first four chapters. These are the words of Jesus. If you have any questions call me.”

He gave us his home, cell and office numbers. He directed me to his wife, and I gave her my contact information. Before leaving that evening he said to me, “Don’t look so sad. You’ve made the best decision of your life.”

I wasn't looking sad! I was actually trying to stop the weeping that seemed to overtake me. You see, I hadn't cried like that in years. It was like a dam had been broken from the deepest parts of my soul.

Up until this point I had never had an encounter with God. I’d been a member of the Baptist Church, the African Methodist Episcopal Church, the Assembly of God, First African Baptist, the Church of God, the United Methodist Church, and any other denomination you could name. I was a holiday member and only showed up for Christmas and Easter. I'm not saying that the word of God wasn't preached in these churches, I just want you to know that I had been searching for God inside a denomination or a building. I didn't know that the Lord was everywhere -- much less inside me. I wasn't waiting on him, he was waiting on me.

I actually thought that I had to get myself together before I gave my life to him. Only to discover that I needed him to get my life together. For the next few weeks, my husband and I poured ourselves into the Word of God. This pastor or his wife would call us everyday to make sure we were reading. They would spend hours on the phone explaining the meaning of those words in red.

If we were having a hard time they would pray with us. I don't care what they were doing, they made time to give us Jesus. In my entire life, I had never experienced God working in anyone's life like this. <br>'s we had met required appointments. God knew what it was going to take for us to come into the kingdom and become stable. I thank him everyday that we obeyed the leading of the Holy Spirit.  Even in the midst of all of teaching -- they never invited us to their church.

Then one day, my husband and I decided to go on our own. This pastor preached a message on the love of God that changed our lives forever. Within two weeks, we joined the ministry. It was in the women’s group that I began realizing that I could be healed. With the help of his wife, I began sharing a little about myself. Her encouragement and guidance was like honey. I'd never had a coach or a cheerleader in my life in this way. Before I knew it, my family and I were attending every bible study, church service, revival or church event that they had.

Personally, I had to stay in the presence of the Lord. I was afraid to be alone with myself, and my husband was afraid to leave me alone. I was calling this pastor daily concerning the things in the word. My husband would leave on his lunch break from work and study with him at the church. Pretty soon, we were spending every Sunday dinner under his teaching after church.

Before long, he and his wife had taken us under their wings. It was the Jesus in the life of one man that accelerated the transformation in my life! It was through his teachings that I learned who Jesus was. I realized that those last few months of my life were building up for the moment at that banquet. What if I had chosen to stay home that day?

I know the answer to that question.

I began writing poetry and spoken word that spoke of deliverance and healing immediately after my conversion. My journaling increased as all the weights I’d carried on my soul were released. I began writing out my prayers, my fears and anything else I was experiencing. It was in this process that I realized that the Lord had used my 1st grade teacher to ignite a passion in me that had been placed in my soul before the foundations of the world.

THIS was how much he loved me. Within two years, the voices in my head were silenced, and the battle I’d had with suicide and depression were broken. The mental disorder that was threatening my mind was released. I was literally being washed by the word of God and by the blood of Jesus.

You see, my life is a story of love -- not a story of a lack of love. It was then that I realized that the love of God is shown not only through an intimate relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but through PEOPLE, through BELIEVERS. This is what the world needs.

You see, in my life no one had ever made this type of investment in me. I was a lost cause, another foster child, a bad teenager, or some at risk youth. I was a part of our society's problems that were often fixed with programs instead of kindness and time.

I had never experienced a time when I was a priority in anyone's life. So many bad things had happened that I really couldn't remember the good. Yes, good times where there -- but when your mind is messed up, sometimes all you can see is the pain. God had to show me that I was worth something and that there were people in the world who didn’t mind extending their arms, taking others in, and giving of their time.

This pastor and his wife loved Jesus so much that they were willing to follow God concerning me and my family despite what any one around them said. I gained a spiritual father and through him, learned who I was in Jesus. His wife extended the hand of a mother. One night, he and his wife embraced me after prayer. I began to weep as I was overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit and the genuine love they had for me.

I didn’t know how much I’d lacked in my life until I experienced that embrace. I sobbed from the depths of my soul. The lack of nurturing, affirmation and love over the years nearly killed me. I was dying of depression, I was dying from a lack of love, acceptance and belonging. How many people are there in the world today who are suffering from the same.

It takes JESUS in your life to bring that kind of transformation into the lives of others. This kind of love is not born of the flesh, but of the VERY SPIRIT of the living God.

So don’t tell me God can’t heal you! Don’t tell me that Jesus isn’t real! I’ve been to hell and back in my own life! The doctors couldn’t help me! My husband couldn’t help me! No one could help me … but the Lord Jesus!

A true walk of salvation is not easy, but I tell you this: "It will be worth it." When you’ve never experienced love or nurturing in your life, you have nothing to give others in this area. It takes time and there won't always be people around to hold your hand. There will be times when you will want to give up, but if you press in prayer and believe -- God will meet you.

If you don’t know how to love, you will destroy every one who comes into your life who tries to love you. I've done this! If you fear the power of love, then you will abuse the ones assigned to demonstrate what love is to you. I've done this to! If you fail to embrace love, you will find yourself standing alone and grieving silently. Hello again! But when you find real love -- the kind that only God can give you -- then you can stand. You can do it! You can make it! You are not still here just to take up space! There is a place for you, an assignment for you! Re-dedicate your life to the Lord today.

Father, in the mighty name of Jesus, I pray that every man, woman and child who reads this testimony and who is facing this emptiness, this void in their lives come to know you fully. I pray that they will experience a release of your love so great, that the power of God will destroy every tormenting thought and every stronghold of fear that prevents them from walking fully into the Kingdom. Lord, place a hedge of protection around them. Send men and women of God into their presence with godly wisdom, and the patience to life up their arms. Draw them to you in prayer, Father. Draw those who are on the brink of confession and salvation, but are fighting for their very lives. Lord, we pray for the healing of the orphan's heart. Your word says that you are a Father to them. Lord teach those who are crying out to you how to receive love. Father, I pray that they learn to receive your perfect love, and I decree and declare that not a single person who reads this testimony and believes on Jesus Christ will leave here unchanged. Lord, we break the spirit of shame and embarrassment. Let them know Father that perfect love has no age, no boundaries, and no color in your son Jesus. Let them know father that no sin is to great, no burden is to heavy, and no secret is so elusive that you can't turn those situations around. Father, I pray for peace in their lives and that the Holy Spirit will lead them into all truth as they accept the salvation of the Lord. In Jesus Name, Amen.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

(Pray the Prayer of Life! Give your life to Jesus!)